Lesli: I am Complete.
In my earliest years, I remember two things about myself. The first is that I was a beloved child of God. The second was that I was a boy. I was far from a typical little girl. When my parents gave me a Barbie dream house, it became Darth Vader’s summer home. When they would fight over who got to be Wonder Woman, I wanted to be Aquaman. In fact, at four years old, I (Aquaman) told everyone Wonder Woman was going to be my wife and we’d have super-powered children together. I thought nothing of it. I knew I was a boy, and I was convinced I’d become a man. I knew I’d have a wife and be a dad one day.
It wasn’t until I was six that I realized something about me was different. All my friends were settling into their traditional gender roles and accepting their bodies, but I felt completely at odds with mine. Alongside these memories are those of being in the church nursery and Sunday School. I felt deeply loved by God and secure in God’s kingdom. I can’t remember a time when God’s truth was not an integral part of my life.
The Gospel Breaks Through
When I was eight, I came home from an Easter Sunday service. Our pastor had preached about Christ being nailed to the cross for our sins, and the message finally clicked. I ran to my mother with tears in my eyes and told her what I’d just realized. She explained the plan of salvation, and I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior. As I aged, I delved into the youth group, loving and seeking the Lord and seizing every opportunity to serve and learn about God.
But in youth group, the distance between the girls and me only intensified. They spent hours putting on makeup, styling their hair, and talking about boys. None of these things interested me in the least. I couldn’t relate to their emerging womanhood. Once again, I felt ill-at-ease in my own skin. Though I desperately wanted to bridge this chasm, I didn’t know how to begin.
When I was in High School, my pastor began to preach on the evils of homosexuality, condemning “homosexuals” to Hell and teaching that God had no forgiveness for such “deviants.” Even worse were those “mentally ill trannies” (referring to trans people in 1980s vernacular). They were unsavable abominations: “We must protect our children from their evil ploys,“ the pastor said. My friends answered with amens and looks of disgust. It was at this point that I realized, I am transgender. That’s me.
Fear struck me to my core. I was ashamed I was such an abomination to the God I adored. I couldn’t fathom life without God, yet I believed it was the only way I could go on. I began to dress more masculine and counted the days until I would graduate and start college. I was eventually “encouraged” to leave that church.
Seeking Family
Because of the spiritual abuse at my home church and in college,I ended up leaving school to work in professional theater. Being LGBTQ+ was the norm, and people were accepting and loving. It seemed like a family for misfits. Finally, I had found a home. I spent the next 12 years touring America and Europe as a Stage Manager for Broadway shows. Over the years, I blocked out the hatred from Christians of my youth. But I could never escape a longing to be with God.
Touring was perfect for my social life. I’d meet a new cast and crew in the fall and tour with them until the spring. That is, until I met Sue. In Sue, I found a familiar love of the arts, a passion for travel, and even a desire to know God. I had never met someone quite like her. We fell in love quickly, dated for two years, and married in August of 2005. Shortly after our wedding, I confided in Sue that I had always felt like a man. It was the first time I had voiced my feelings. We held each other and cried. Finally, another soul knew my deepest secret — and had not run away screaming.
Sue wanted to be in a culture that accepted not only our sexuality, but also my gender identity. So we moved to Northampton,Massachusetts.We found a community that asked no questions and embraced us willingly. But within months of settling in, Sue was diagnosed with a rare disease. Despite our best efforts, Sue’s health decreased rapidly. The vivacious woman who had stood by my side for the last six years had dementia and was barely able to walk. Within a matter of months, I lost the one person who’d ever known the real me.
Finding Home
I called the only church I knew, seeking someone to lead Sue’s funeral. The pastor, without hesitation, said he would be honored to do the service. His response shattered my preconceived ideas of how Christians viewed us. The pastor showed such genuine concern for me as a widow. We agreed to disagree about the “whole gay thing.” He would gently show me passages and share thoughts about God’s immense love for me. I began to see, again, that God had something planned for me beyond what my life thus far had offered. I finally admitted to my counselor — a Christian — that I was trans/nonbinary. She had never counseled someone working through their gender identity before. So, she decided to sit me down and just read God’s Word to me.
We started with Colossians. As she read aloud, I heard a verse saying we are “complete” in God (Colossians 2:10). She kept reading, but my mind was stuck on that verse. I am complete… I am not damaged… I may not be the epitome of femininity, but I am as God created me… I AM COMPLETE! I felt a rush of love, acceptance, and relief. I still feel dysphoria, but I know I am complete in God, fully loved as I am.
God has brought amazing friends into my life — both men and women — who know my journey and continually encourage me. God has seen my needs and supplied me with the exact support network I’ve needed. I daily have to lay my orientation and identity at God’s feet. In doing so, I have security in my identity as God’s beloved child. And as I continue through life, I have an underlying peace, confidence, and trust that God will bring good from my story.
It is this experience that has driven me to want to walk alongside those who are leaders in the church as well as those who have been hurt by the church. I deeply desire to support those who have been spiritually abused and have an equal passion to care for church leaders who need to be seen as humans beyond their job titles. I entered seminary and a Spiritual Direction cohort to be better equipped to do this. I am focusing my MDiv on Pastoral Care and am now a Certified Spiritual Director.